What would be the start to a horror movie is an average Saturday in the woods with my husband.
A man and a woman start off in in late afternoon for one last drive through the trails. Their side by side climbs up rocky terrain and through bramble bushes. They go deeper and deeper into the woods. The canopy thickens filtering out the waning sunlight.
Then they have to stop suddenly. There is a fallen tree dangerously overhanging the trail and completely blocking their egress.
She checks her phone. There is no cell service and her GPS isn’t working. What to do?!
The man hops out of the vehicle and pulls something out of the trailer bed behind her. She hears an engine fire up and turns with a start just in time to see him wielding a chainsaw….
And that is where it becomes my life.
Me: “Of course you have your chainsaw” … mind you I’m completely unfazed by the fact that he brought it along.
Carl: “Well duuuhh” said with a fake incredulous look, a pfff sound, and a deliberately sassy shake of the head.
I just laugh and watch him practically skip with joy towards the downed tree.
Then I spend the next 30 minutes watching him clear a path, throwing brush, and cussing at the larger limbs.
It is pure entertainment.
15 minutes into the clearing….
Carl (with a smirk): “George Clooney’s musk”
Carl: “That is what oak smells like – Oak smells like George Clooney’s musk”
Me: “hmmm….sexy. George Clooney’s musk, chain saw, and man glitter my favs! (For those laymen out there not familiar with lumbersexual terminology, man glitter is sawdust)
We both crack up and then continue to smile to ourselves as he keeps going.
5 minutes later and 20 minutes into the process…
Carl: ‘This is where we are coming after the zombie apocalypse”
Me: “We aren’t staying in our home on the lake?”
Carl: “No, there are too many people.”
My thoughts: umm… we live in the middle of nowhere, on an island, and at least an hour from town. Not to mention all of the neighboring homes are seasonal. We have about 3 neighbors in the winter!
What I said: “Really?!”
Carl: Yeah. “John doesn’t know it yet but we are totally coming here.”
Me: rolls eyes. “Ok love. I’m just glad to know you’ll be prepared to keep us safe.”
Carl goes back to hurling logs down the hill and cussing as they smash into trees with an impressive thud. I proceed to think about how well prepared we will be if civilization collapses (with or without the zombies). It is a surprisingly comforting thought (especially with the current political race in the US).
10 minutes later and 30 minutes in…
Carl: “Ta Da! All done”
I look up. There is a visible tunnel cleared. It looks structurally sound.
Me: “Good job love.”
Carl (smirking): “Thanks. I think I deserve a beer for that.”
Me: “yes, yes you do.” I hand him a beer with a mixture of amusement and relief.
He hops into the side by side and we are on our way down the hill.
As we pull up to camp I breathe a sigh of relief. I realize how differently that could’ve gone if I was out in the woods with anyone else. It’s a good thing I married a lumberjack dare-devil!